I'm this week's Mother Freakin' Co-host! Go check out my FAVORITE THINGS here! :)
Friday, December 7, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
8 months later...
Figured I needed to update this a bit.
I am now 8 months into my new "way of life" (I hate the word DIET). I made it through camping trips, parties, Halloween and Thanksgiving. I have no doubt that Christmas will be a piece of cake (*snort*). I'm down 50 lbs. I feel pretty fantastic, too. It's funny because I hadn't really planned on doing it this long. I guess I didn't have any specific ideas on how long I'd do it. At first, I was just trying to get through the first few days.
8 months in and one would think I'd be ready to be done, but honestly I feel like I'm still picking up steam. I'm still gaining momentum. I'm not quite where I want to be. Weight-wise, I'd like to lose another 20 lbs. maybe. I don't know if that's realistic, but I've never done something this drastic before, so maybe it is realistic.
Health-wise, I feel like I'm still pinpointing what my issues are; still experimenting with what my body needs. I have a gynecology appointment next week. I hope she will run some tests for me so I can see where I'm at and if I really have improved things (cholesterol, hormone levels, etc.).
I think as far as the candida goes, I'm probably ok there. I really don't know where to go next, though. I've been toying with adding dairy back in. Not a lot, but I do miss cheese. The rest I don't really care about.
I'll continue to plug away at it, learning and growing and becoming a healthier me in the process. :)
I am now 8 months into my new "way of life" (I hate the word DIET). I made it through camping trips, parties, Halloween and Thanksgiving. I have no doubt that Christmas will be a piece of cake (*snort*). I'm down 50 lbs. I feel pretty fantastic, too. It's funny because I hadn't really planned on doing it this long. I guess I didn't have any specific ideas on how long I'd do it. At first, I was just trying to get through the first few days.
8 months in and one would think I'd be ready to be done, but honestly I feel like I'm still picking up steam. I'm still gaining momentum. I'm not quite where I want to be. Weight-wise, I'd like to lose another 20 lbs. maybe. I don't know if that's realistic, but I've never done something this drastic before, so maybe it is realistic.
Health-wise, I feel like I'm still pinpointing what my issues are; still experimenting with what my body needs. I have a gynecology appointment next week. I hope she will run some tests for me so I can see where I'm at and if I really have improved things (cholesterol, hormone levels, etc.).
I think as far as the candida goes, I'm probably ok there. I really don't know where to go next, though. I've been toying with adding dairy back in. Not a lot, but I do miss cheese. The rest I don't really care about.
I'll continue to plug away at it, learning and growing and becoming a healthier me in the process. :)
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Aha!
I'm sure all 2 or 3 of you that are reading this have been riveted to their chairs, wondering what is going on with my health these days. lol I figured I'd update. A little back story comes in this post and this one, too.
Fast forward a little to 2 weeks before Easter. There's no nice way to say this so I will just announce that I developed a yeast infection. Yes, THAT kind. I started on a quality probiotic and ate plain (gag) yogurt. Knowing that sugar feeds yeast, I went mostly sugar free for the next couple of weeks, except for when Easter came around. It was Easter, yo. Candy, cakes, etc. I was really "good", only having had a couple of fun sized candies and a slice of the cake that my mother only makes on Easter. Within minutes, I felt horrible. Headache that would not go away, severe fatigue, chills. I fell asleep on my aunt's couch, in the middle of all my family members. I had a hard time ignoring that this just might be food related.
While searching "natural yeast infection remedies", I revisited the idea that maybe I have systemic candida. I came across this info a few years ago, but for a few reasons I did not pursue it any further. My history would show that this is a viable diagnosis for me. I was on so many antibiotics growing up. I am also a product of the ridiculous low-fat diet of the 80s that included a lot of sugar and flour products.
While digging more, I found that all of my weird, seemingly unrelated symptoms were listed under the symptoms of candida. Aha! Even more research showed me that the anti-candida diet was nearly impossible. Or so I thought.
I decided to take the plunge and am following the Whole Approach method. I was nervous. How in the hell does one follow a diet that eliminates all sugar (including artificial sweeteners), fruits, all dairy products, wheat, gluten, smoked meats (ham, sausage, etc.) MSG (yuck), etc. The list of foods to avoid is long. And it's not just for a week or a month. We're talking several months to a year. And maybe the rest of my life, who knows.
Day one was fine. Day two was ok. Day three I had a fit. I believe my exact words were "fuck this fucking diet--this sucks!". In protest had a couple of old-fashioned hot dogs (no bun), a handful of doritos and some carrots and hummus. Much like what happened on Easter, I developed an instant headache and extreme fatigue, causing me to pass out cold on the couch for an hour. It was so strange and definitely the sign I needed to realize that this is serious. I need to do this. It's not a diet like a normal diet goes where you can allow yourself a treat here and there. I need to look at this more like a food allergy and take it very seriously. No cheating or treating!
4 weeks into this, I feel fantastic! I can't even begin to describe how amazing I feel. The extreme fatigue is gone, heart palpitations are gone, joint aches and pains are gone and I've lost 16 lbs. In 4 weeks!
I should add that I didn't do any exercising during this time. As hard as that was for me--I'm very active--I needed to take it slow and know exactly what is working and what is not. I did begin to exercise again today and will continue to do so from now on. I also take fish oil, vitamin D, and probiotic capsules. I also cook with unrefined coconut oil and eat a ton of garlic (both natural antifungals).
I've been forced to be very creative in the cooking department. Turns out, there's a lot you can do with just quality meats and vegetables. I am really enjoying the foods I'm eating. I have to do a lot of planning ahead and eating out can be an absolute nightmare, so I've only done it once so far, but it's going well so far.
So anyway, that's where I am with all this health stuff. I hope that I've finally figured it out and it can only get better from here. :)
Fast forward a little to 2 weeks before Easter. There's no nice way to say this so I will just announce that I developed a yeast infection. Yes, THAT kind. I started on a quality probiotic and ate plain (gag) yogurt. Knowing that sugar feeds yeast, I went mostly sugar free for the next couple of weeks, except for when Easter came around. It was Easter, yo. Candy, cakes, etc. I was really "good", only having had a couple of fun sized candies and a slice of the cake that my mother only makes on Easter. Within minutes, I felt horrible. Headache that would not go away, severe fatigue, chills. I fell asleep on my aunt's couch, in the middle of all my family members. I had a hard time ignoring that this just might be food related.
While searching "natural yeast infection remedies", I revisited the idea that maybe I have systemic candida. I came across this info a few years ago, but for a few reasons I did not pursue it any further. My history would show that this is a viable diagnosis for me. I was on so many antibiotics growing up. I am also a product of the ridiculous low-fat diet of the 80s that included a lot of sugar and flour products.
While digging more, I found that all of my weird, seemingly unrelated symptoms were listed under the symptoms of candida. Aha! Even more research showed me that the anti-candida diet was nearly impossible. Or so I thought.
I decided to take the plunge and am following the Whole Approach method. I was nervous. How in the hell does one follow a diet that eliminates all sugar (including artificial sweeteners), fruits, all dairy products, wheat, gluten, smoked meats (ham, sausage, etc.) MSG (yuck), etc. The list of foods to avoid is long. And it's not just for a week or a month. We're talking several months to a year. And maybe the rest of my life, who knows.
Day one was fine. Day two was ok. Day three I had a fit. I believe my exact words were "fuck this fucking diet--this sucks!". In protest had a couple of old-fashioned hot dogs (no bun), a handful of doritos and some carrots and hummus. Much like what happened on Easter, I developed an instant headache and extreme fatigue, causing me to pass out cold on the couch for an hour. It was so strange and definitely the sign I needed to realize that this is serious. I need to do this. It's not a diet like a normal diet goes where you can allow yourself a treat here and there. I need to look at this more like a food allergy and take it very seriously. No cheating or treating!
4 weeks into this, I feel fantastic! I can't even begin to describe how amazing I feel. The extreme fatigue is gone, heart palpitations are gone, joint aches and pains are gone and I've lost 16 lbs. In 4 weeks!
I should add that I didn't do any exercising during this time. As hard as that was for me--I'm very active--I needed to take it slow and know exactly what is working and what is not. I did begin to exercise again today and will continue to do so from now on. I also take fish oil, vitamin D, and probiotic capsules. I also cook with unrefined coconut oil and eat a ton of garlic (both natural antifungals).
I've been forced to be very creative in the cooking department. Turns out, there's a lot you can do with just quality meats and vegetables. I am really enjoying the foods I'm eating. I have to do a lot of planning ahead and eating out can be an absolute nightmare, so I've only done it once so far, but it's going well so far.
So anyway, that's where I am with all this health stuff. I hope that I've finally figured it out and it can only get better from here. :)
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Like sands through the hourglass...
So much has been going on here lately. Between my hubby working 70 hours/week, my job, homeschooling the kids and their activities, there hasn't been a whole lot of down time. It's temporary, though. And I'm not complaining--the overtime dollars are awesome. And busy means job security, right?
It was my 36th birthday last week. A few weeks ago, I decided I really needed a night out with my peeps. I know a lot of my peeps needed a night out, too, so I decided to just plan one and use my birthday as an excuse.
The week before, I was struggling with some irrational feelings of being unlikable. It ebbs and flows. 21 people came to the restaurant and even more came to karaoke afterwards. OMG! It was almost overwhelming to me. I was so incredibly happy and had the most amazing night while at the same time, I fought back the urge to apologize to all my friends for having to be there (because in my irrational little world, why would they choose to be there? I'm sure they all have better things to do with their Friday night... ). Meh...it'll ebb again soon, I'm sure. I definitely felt the love that night, anyway.
In the past month, my oldest child has experienced a few "firsts". He had his first date, his first official girlfriend, his first (many, many times lol) kiss...and his first heartbreak. While I'm sad for him, I am also very relieved because it clearly wasn't a match made in heaven. I think deep down he knows this, I knew it all along and she finally realized it, hence the breakup. The odds were against them from the beginning--the girl is 18. My son is 16. I usually have no issues with age but they are in very, very different places in their lives. They also live an hour away from us. She is in school, he's homeschooled. She's Mormon (and quite opinionated about things dealing with religion and politics in regards to religion) and we lean kind of liberal. That and I can't really see many things they have in common with each other.
I'm very happy for him that he got to experience the feeling of love and everything that goes along with it. I wish he could experience that without the heartbreak, but that's not possible. He is truly a wonderful human being...I reminded him that the right girl will eventually come along and she will be so blessed to have him. And I mean that, not just because I am his mom.
It was my 36th birthday last week. A few weeks ago, I decided I really needed a night out with my peeps. I know a lot of my peeps needed a night out, too, so I decided to just plan one and use my birthday as an excuse.
The week before, I was struggling with some irrational feelings of being unlikable. It ebbs and flows. 21 people came to the restaurant and even more came to karaoke afterwards. OMG! It was almost overwhelming to me. I was so incredibly happy and had the most amazing night while at the same time, I fought back the urge to apologize to all my friends for having to be there (because in my irrational little world, why would they choose to be there? I'm sure they all have better things to do with their Friday night... ). Meh...it'll ebb again soon, I'm sure. I definitely felt the love that night, anyway.
In the past month, my oldest child has experienced a few "firsts". He had his first date, his first official girlfriend, his first (many, many times lol) kiss...and his first heartbreak. While I'm sad for him, I am also very relieved because it clearly wasn't a match made in heaven. I think deep down he knows this, I knew it all along and she finally realized it, hence the breakup. The odds were against them from the beginning--the girl is 18. My son is 16. I usually have no issues with age but they are in very, very different places in their lives. They also live an hour away from us. She is in school, he's homeschooled. She's Mormon (and quite opinionated about things dealing with religion and politics in regards to religion) and we lean kind of liberal. That and I can't really see many things they have in common with each other.
I'm very happy for him that he got to experience the feeling of love and everything that goes along with it. I wish he could experience that without the heartbreak, but that's not possible. He is truly a wonderful human being...I reminded him that the right girl will eventually come along and she will be so blessed to have him. And I mean that, not just because I am his mom.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Well that was underwhelming.
So if you have read my previous post about my health issues, you are in for a very mundane follow-up. My apologies in advance.
I followed up in early February with the endocrinologist I'd seen in September. Apparently health issues aren't really that important, as it took 4 1/2 months to get in to see her again. WTF?
The appointment really didn't do much for me...she basically shrugged her shoulders and said "well, we can try the Metformin even though all your tests have come back normal". Mmmkay. Well, let's do that. I have no other options beating down my door right now.
At the insistence of my parents, I decided to try getting an appointment with the world-renowned Mayo Clinic. I was surprised when I called to be offered an appointment the next week. Unfortunately, I wouldn't have had my medical records from other clinics in time, so I needed to schedule it 3 weeks out. I was amazed--a place like the Mayo Clinic can get me in so soon but the local Park Nicollet clinic takes 4 1/2 months?!
After making the appointment, I was sent a couple of packets of paperwork to fill out. I started feeling really hopeful about it--hoping that this would be my ticket to regaining good health. I was also fighting that little voice inside me that said that I would be dismissed and looked at as just another delusional fat girl again. I spent quite a bit of time beating that little prick down and listening to the hopeful voice.
In the paperwork included my fasting instructions. They said to eat my final meal the night before by 7pm. No fats whatsoever and only 3-4 ounces of lean chicken or fish. Fantastic. Also, only 8 ounces of water between midnight and 7:30 am and only sips of water until my appointment. I've fasted before for dr. appointments but this was by far the most strict. This actually made me hopeful--they really must have some amazing tests in store for me! Sweet!
I carefully ate my dry salmon and dry roasted vegetables and dry black beans for supper. I had a raging headache, so I also took an ibuprofen. I went to bed quite early as 1. if I'm sleeping, I can't think about being hungry or thirsty, 2. my head hurt and 3. I needed to get up at 5am the next morning. It takes about 2 hours to get to the Mayo, with the parking and taking the walkways and whatnot to the proper desk. My appointment was at a bright and early 8:30am.
After a night of dreaming about accidentally eating or drinking something and ruining the fast, morning came quickly. My mom and dad both took the day off of work to come with--they are familiar with the area and were happy to come down with me. We also took the kids. Nobody should have to wake children up at 5am unless you are going to Disney World (we did this a little over a month ago--even then it sucks).
A tired, hungry, thirsty, headache-y me got to where I needed to be and was called in for my appointment. The incredibly nice nurse took my weight (yuck), height (I'm still short) and my blood pressure (my never-high BP was high. WTF?). She then did a series of 6 arm-constricting bp tests to average them out and double check it. Fortunately, it was very much normal with the re-tests. *whew*
When she was done, the doctor came in. I think I heard angels when he walked through the door--this man was going to be my savior. He's a Mayo Clinic doctor, yo.
After about 20 minutes of chatting with him, I started to realize that this visit was going to be much like the others I've experienced. Except that I've gone through way more work, gas, time and inconvenienced 4 other family members in the process. Though he was nice and he spent nearly an hour and a half with me, I heard things like "your tests all appear normal" and "I don't know if your symptoms are related" and "calories in and calories out..." while my inner dialogue was "don't cry, don't cry, don't cry...".
So I was basically sent on my way, still hungry, thirsty, headache-y (all for naught since no tests were performed) with the decision of coming back another day to run and re-run expensive tests that are pretty much not going to tell me anything, or just heading back to my local doctors (I guess I can make an appointment for the fall) and to give the medication I'm on 6-12 months to see if it does anything for me. 6-12 months?! And while he wouldn't have personally prescribed that to me, it may help and since I'm already on it, just stay on it.
*sigh*
I followed up in early February with the endocrinologist I'd seen in September. Apparently health issues aren't really that important, as it took 4 1/2 months to get in to see her again. WTF?
The appointment really didn't do much for me...she basically shrugged her shoulders and said "well, we can try the Metformin even though all your tests have come back normal". Mmmkay. Well, let's do that. I have no other options beating down my door right now.
At the insistence of my parents, I decided to try getting an appointment with the world-renowned Mayo Clinic. I was surprised when I called to be offered an appointment the next week. Unfortunately, I wouldn't have had my medical records from other clinics in time, so I needed to schedule it 3 weeks out. I was amazed--a place like the Mayo Clinic can get me in so soon but the local Park Nicollet clinic takes 4 1/2 months?!
After making the appointment, I was sent a couple of packets of paperwork to fill out. I started feeling really hopeful about it--hoping that this would be my ticket to regaining good health. I was also fighting that little voice inside me that said that I would be dismissed and looked at as just another delusional fat girl again. I spent quite a bit of time beating that little prick down and listening to the hopeful voice.
In the paperwork included my fasting instructions. They said to eat my final meal the night before by 7pm. No fats whatsoever and only 3-4 ounces of lean chicken or fish. Fantastic. Also, only 8 ounces of water between midnight and 7:30 am and only sips of water until my appointment. I've fasted before for dr. appointments but this was by far the most strict. This actually made me hopeful--they really must have some amazing tests in store for me! Sweet!
I carefully ate my dry salmon and dry roasted vegetables and dry black beans for supper. I had a raging headache, so I also took an ibuprofen. I went to bed quite early as 1. if I'm sleeping, I can't think about being hungry or thirsty, 2. my head hurt and 3. I needed to get up at 5am the next morning. It takes about 2 hours to get to the Mayo, with the parking and taking the walkways and whatnot to the proper desk. My appointment was at a bright and early 8:30am.
After a night of dreaming about accidentally eating or drinking something and ruining the fast, morning came quickly. My mom and dad both took the day off of work to come with--they are familiar with the area and were happy to come down with me. We also took the kids. Nobody should have to wake children up at 5am unless you are going to Disney World (we did this a little over a month ago--even then it sucks).
A tired, hungry, thirsty, headache-y me got to where I needed to be and was called in for my appointment. The incredibly nice nurse took my weight (yuck), height (I'm still short) and my blood pressure (my never-high BP was high. WTF?). She then did a series of 6 arm-constricting bp tests to average them out and double check it. Fortunately, it was very much normal with the re-tests. *whew*
When she was done, the doctor came in. I think I heard angels when he walked through the door--this man was going to be my savior. He's a Mayo Clinic doctor, yo.
After about 20 minutes of chatting with him, I started to realize that this visit was going to be much like the others I've experienced. Except that I've gone through way more work, gas, time and inconvenienced 4 other family members in the process. Though he was nice and he spent nearly an hour and a half with me, I heard things like "your tests all appear normal" and "I don't know if your symptoms are related" and "calories in and calories out..." while my inner dialogue was "don't cry, don't cry, don't cry...".
So I was basically sent on my way, still hungry, thirsty, headache-y (all for naught since no tests were performed) with the decision of coming back another day to run and re-run expensive tests that are pretty much not going to tell me anything, or just heading back to my local doctors (I guess I can make an appointment for the fall) and to give the medication I'm on 6-12 months to see if it does anything for me. 6-12 months?! And while he wouldn't have personally prescribed that to me, it may help and since I'm already on it, just stay on it.
*sigh*
Monday, February 27, 2012
Give me the skinny.
2 weeks ago, the 54th annual Grammy awards were broadcast on TV. It's no secret that Adele dominated the awards this year. You may have also heard how fat she is. I've heard a few comments about how she has a gorgeous voice, but...she's overweight.
*groan*
Now, most of you that are reading this think that is bullshit. Who cares about her weight, she is amazing, right? Or even if you don't really think she's all that, you may think people need to STFU about her weight, right?
Except...
The Academy Awards aired last night. I didn't watch, but I woke up to no less than 3 comments in my Facebook feed about how awful skinny Angelina Jolie looked. From women. Women who would be the first in line to fight anyone that commented on Adele's size or anyone else that was considered overweight.
Except...
The Academy Awards aired last night. I didn't watch, but I woke up to no less than 3 comments in my Facebook feed about how awful skinny Angelina Jolie looked. From women. Women who would be the first in line to fight anyone that commented on Adele's size or anyone else that was considered overweight.
I've seen this type of thing for some time now here and there. Women that have deemed themselves "real" women because they aren't a size zero. The last time I checked, all women are real women. Not just plus sized women. Not just thin women. ALL women.
I wonder if they will ever realize how hypocritical that is.
I wonder if they will ever realize how hypocritical that is.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Arrggghhhhpffffttttblahblahblah!
*Whew*
So, I really try not to complain. Honest. But fuck if I'm not throwing myself a great big (HUGE!) pity-party right now. Be aware: it's all about me. You are invited. Lucky you.
I'm putting this out here to get it off my chest and then hopefully I can move past it in a positive fashion.
I try every g*d-damned day to be healthy. Harder than a lot of people do. But for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem to be working for me.
I don't want to have unexplained heart palpitations anymore. I don't want to be dizzy, foggy, achy, sluggish, and morbidly fucking obese. I don't want a nearly non-existent sex drive, hair in places women shouldn't have hair and be shivering one minute and sweating the next. I don't want my weight to fluctuate so much that I can be "up" 10 lbs. overnight. (yes, I know that I don't gain 10 lbs. of FAT overnight, but good grief...it's a total mind fuck to see those numbers some days). Oh, and sometimes I swell so much that my shoes don't fit.
I don't want to instinctively close my eyes or shift my gaze elsewhere when pass a reflective surface. I don't want to cringe every time I see a picture of me. I don't want to think "that picture looks great except for me". I don't want to continually be the most overweight person in the room. All of those things remind me of how much I'm failing at the one thing I'm trying so hard to do.
I don't want the doctors to tell me "weight loss surgery is so great these days--you should try it" or "problems with your sex drive must have to do with your marriage--here's a number to a marriage therapist" (yes, this is true, despite the fact that I'd never mentioned specifics of my marriage--good or bad--to him {he is no longer my doctor, btw}), or that "all your tests have come back a-ok, everything's normal and we have no idea what's going on with you". I don't want to be on experimental medications when even the doctor admits they have no idea if it's even right for me. Oh, and here's the bill for our "services". Rinse. Repeat.
I don't want to hear things like "maybe you need to eat more" or "maybe you need to eat less" or "maybe you shouldn't eat purple foods before noon" or "you shouldn't eat fruits and veggies in the same meal" or "you should take longer to eat" or "you should eat faster" or "you should give it to God" or "the stress you feel over it is attracting negativity--let it go" or "you should eat standing on your head chanting 'namaste'". Seriously? No!
I eat healthily. I don't buy processed foods. I avoid artificial colors, MSG, nitrates/nitrates, artificial sweeteners and all that other junk as much as humanly possible. I eat organic foods as much as I can. I eat enough fiber, protein, "good" fats, etc. I can count on my fingers how many times I hit a drive-through or fast food joint in a year.
I work out nearly every day. A nice balance of cardio, strength training, core, pilates, yoga, stretching, etc. Currently I'm at about 45 minutes 5-6 days/week. I've done as much as running 20 miles/week or power walking 30+ miles/week. Nothing seems to make a difference.
I'm tired of feeling like people just view me as just another lazy-ass obese person. That poor fat girl that's in denial.
I just want to understand why these things are occurring and what I can do about it. Not with anecdotal advice, but something that will actually truly work for me.
I don't need to be thin to be happy. I know I'll never be truly thin. I just need to not continue to get larger and start feeling good. (IME, excess flab doesn't feel good. It's physically limiting.) I want to feel good. I deserve to feel good.
Most days I suppress all the above feelings by thinking of those that have it so much worse than I do. It helps most of the time. I try to throw the negative energy into "trying harder" energy. But there are days that sometimes it gets to me. Today is just one of those days.
This concludes my pity party. Thanks for coming. :/
So, I really try not to complain. Honest. But fuck if I'm not throwing myself a great big (HUGE!) pity-party right now. Be aware: it's all about me. You are invited. Lucky you.
I'm putting this out here to get it off my chest and then hopefully I can move past it in a positive fashion.
I try every g*d-damned day to be healthy. Harder than a lot of people do. But for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem to be working for me.
I don't want to have unexplained heart palpitations anymore. I don't want to be dizzy, foggy, achy, sluggish, and morbidly fucking obese. I don't want a nearly non-existent sex drive, hair in places women shouldn't have hair and be shivering one minute and sweating the next. I don't want my weight to fluctuate so much that I can be "up" 10 lbs. overnight. (yes, I know that I don't gain 10 lbs. of FAT overnight, but good grief...it's a total mind fuck to see those numbers some days). Oh, and sometimes I swell so much that my shoes don't fit.
I don't want to instinctively close my eyes or shift my gaze elsewhere when pass a reflective surface. I don't want to cringe every time I see a picture of me. I don't want to think "that picture looks great except for me". I don't want to continually be the most overweight person in the room. All of those things remind me of how much I'm failing at the one thing I'm trying so hard to do.
I don't want the doctors to tell me "weight loss surgery is so great these days--you should try it" or "problems with your sex drive must have to do with your marriage--here's a number to a marriage therapist" (yes, this is true, despite the fact that I'd never mentioned specifics of my marriage--good or bad--to him {he is no longer my doctor, btw}), or that "all your tests have come back a-ok, everything's normal and we have no idea what's going on with you". I don't want to be on experimental medications when even the doctor admits they have no idea if it's even right for me. Oh, and here's the bill for our "services". Rinse. Repeat.
I don't want to hear things like "maybe you need to eat more" or "maybe you need to eat less" or "maybe you shouldn't eat purple foods before noon" or "you shouldn't eat fruits and veggies in the same meal" or "you should take longer to eat" or "you should eat faster" or "you should give it to God" or "the stress you feel over it is attracting negativity--let it go" or "you should eat standing on your head chanting 'namaste'". Seriously? No!
I eat healthily. I don't buy processed foods. I avoid artificial colors, MSG, nitrates/nitrates, artificial sweeteners and all that other junk as much as humanly possible. I eat organic foods as much as I can. I eat enough fiber, protein, "good" fats, etc. I can count on my fingers how many times I hit a drive-through or fast food joint in a year.
I work out nearly every day. A nice balance of cardio, strength training, core, pilates, yoga, stretching, etc. Currently I'm at about 45 minutes 5-6 days/week. I've done as much as running 20 miles/week or power walking 30+ miles/week. Nothing seems to make a difference.
I'm tired of feeling like people just view me as just another lazy-ass obese person. That poor fat girl that's in denial.
I just want to understand why these things are occurring and what I can do about it. Not with anecdotal advice, but something that will actually truly work for me.
I don't need to be thin to be happy. I know I'll never be truly thin. I just need to not continue to get larger and start feeling good. (IME, excess flab doesn't feel good. It's physically limiting.) I want to feel good. I deserve to feel good.
Most days I suppress all the above feelings by thinking of those that have it so much worse than I do. It helps most of the time. I try to throw the negative energy into "trying harder" energy. But there are days that sometimes it gets to me. Today is just one of those days.
This concludes my pity party. Thanks for coming. :/
Monday, January 9, 2012
Dream Home
I grew up in a home that was always being remodeled. My parents liked to watch shows like "This Old House" and peruse local home improvement stores. I guess maybe it's in the genes. I, too, love house-related things. We moved into our first home when I was just 21 years old. At that point, it felt like I'd waited an eeeeternity to get my own home.
Our first home was a gorgeous 1929 1 1/2 story with original hardwood floors, oak built-ins with leaded glass and was solid as a rock. It was, coincidentally, just a block down from the home I grew up in. With the old-home charm came old-home issues. The furnace was ancient, there was no insulation in the walk-in attic. The 26 windows were all original and not very energy efficient. We didn't have air conditioning and it had the old knob-and-tube wiring.
Looking at it from a purely financial investment standpoint, we decided after only 2 years there to sell for a nice profit and buy one of those new houses up on the hill.
Oh, I was so excited at the prospect of buying a brand new shiny home. One that only we had lived in--no history, no issues. What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that you get a shiny new home, but you get a home that has no landscaping, no grass, no central air, no garage door opener, no deck, etc. etc. Also, our home looked just like pretty much 3/4 of the other homes in the neighborhood, just a different shade of "neutral".
We worked over the first few years to make that house comfortable--we put in central air, a garage door opener, grass, landscaping, built a deck, pergo floors to replace the builder-grade linoleum, finished the basement, a fence, patio and eventually new carpet. I was so very blessed to have a home and one that was so nice, but there was always this feeling in the back of my mind that this was a temporary stop for us. This wasn't our forever "dream" home.
After about 6 years in the house, we decided to start looking again. We weren't exactly sure what we were looking for, just that we were ready for something different. We looked at a lot of homes--going 20 miles south (more affordable) and looking at hobby farms mostly. What we ended up with was pretty much the opposite of what we had been looking at.
In the midst of our house shopping, my father-in-law announced he was retiring and selling his home. This is a home that he built himself in 1986 for his family. I knew that this house was well-built but cosmetically it seemed pretty run-down. The potential was there, though, and I was pretty excited about the whole idea. It's kind of neat to tell your kids that you live in the house their grandpa built. After almost of year of false starts, ups and downs and "negotiating", we sold our house and moved to this one.
It was difficult for me to move from a shiny newer home where everything was done into a home that needed a ton of work. It was even harder to realize that because we purchased a more expensive home, we wouldn't necessarily have the money to do the things we wanted to do to the house right away. In hindsight, I would have negotiated better and paid less for it so we'd have the money to put back into it, but what's done is done and I can't change that part of it.
I do like my house.We've done quite a bit to it--new windows, a kitchen update, painting every room. We also did some unexpected things like replacing the well pipes and pump, the pressure tank, some other unexpected plumbing stuff...but we still have so much more to do (I don't want a deck on the front of my house, damnit--I want it on the back!).
Because we bought at the height of the housing boom, we, like a majority of Americans, owe more on our home than we could sell it for right now. I don't necessarily regret moving here because if we hadn't, we would have been "stuck" in our last home. I prefer being stuck here than there, I guess, but I wrestle with intense wanderlust. I don't want to be stuck anywhere. I also wrestle with the fact that we don't live in our dream home. Does anyone really truly live in their dream home, though? Will I live a decent life despite that? I'm sure I will.
Our first home was a gorgeous 1929 1 1/2 story with original hardwood floors, oak built-ins with leaded glass and was solid as a rock. It was, coincidentally, just a block down from the home I grew up in. With the old-home charm came old-home issues. The furnace was ancient, there was no insulation in the walk-in attic. The 26 windows were all original and not very energy efficient. We didn't have air conditioning and it had the old knob-and-tube wiring.
Looking at it from a purely financial investment standpoint, we decided after only 2 years there to sell for a nice profit and buy one of those new houses up on the hill.
Oh, I was so excited at the prospect of buying a brand new shiny home. One that only we had lived in--no history, no issues. What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that you get a shiny new home, but you get a home that has no landscaping, no grass, no central air, no garage door opener, no deck, etc. etc. Also, our home looked just like pretty much 3/4 of the other homes in the neighborhood, just a different shade of "neutral".
We worked over the first few years to make that house comfortable--we put in central air, a garage door opener, grass, landscaping, built a deck, pergo floors to replace the builder-grade linoleum, finished the basement, a fence, patio and eventually new carpet. I was so very blessed to have a home and one that was so nice, but there was always this feeling in the back of my mind that this was a temporary stop for us. This wasn't our forever "dream" home.
After about 6 years in the house, we decided to start looking again. We weren't exactly sure what we were looking for, just that we were ready for something different. We looked at a lot of homes--going 20 miles south (more affordable) and looking at hobby farms mostly. What we ended up with was pretty much the opposite of what we had been looking at.
In the midst of our house shopping, my father-in-law announced he was retiring and selling his home. This is a home that he built himself in 1986 for his family. I knew that this house was well-built but cosmetically it seemed pretty run-down. The potential was there, though, and I was pretty excited about the whole idea. It's kind of neat to tell your kids that you live in the house their grandpa built. After almost of year of false starts, ups and downs and "negotiating", we sold our house and moved to this one.
It was difficult for me to move from a shiny newer home where everything was done into a home that needed a ton of work. It was even harder to realize that because we purchased a more expensive home, we wouldn't necessarily have the money to do the things we wanted to do to the house right away. In hindsight, I would have negotiated better and paid less for it so we'd have the money to put back into it, but what's done is done and I can't change that part of it.
I do like my house.We've done quite a bit to it--new windows, a kitchen update, painting every room. We also did some unexpected things like replacing the well pipes and pump, the pressure tank, some other unexpected plumbing stuff...but we still have so much more to do (I don't want a deck on the front of my house, damnit--I want it on the back!).
Because we bought at the height of the housing boom, we, like a majority of Americans, owe more on our home than we could sell it for right now. I don't necessarily regret moving here because if we hadn't, we would have been "stuck" in our last home. I prefer being stuck here than there, I guess, but I wrestle with intense wanderlust. I don't want to be stuck anywhere. I also wrestle with the fact that we don't live in our dream home. Does anyone really truly live in their dream home, though? Will I live a decent life despite that? I'm sure I will.
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