Arrggghhhhpffffttttblahblahblah!

*Whew*

So, I really try not to complain. Honest. But fuck if I'm not throwing myself a great big (HUGE!) pity-party right now. Be aware: it's all about me. You are invited. Lucky you.

I'm putting this out here to get it off my chest and then hopefully I can move past it in a positive fashion.

I try every g*d-damned day to be healthy. Harder than a lot of  people do. But for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem to be working for me.

I don't want to have unexplained heart palpitations anymore. I don't want to be dizzy, foggy, achy, sluggish, and morbidly fucking obese. I don't want a nearly non-existent sex drive, hair in places women shouldn't have hair and be shivering one minute and sweating the next.  I don't want my weight to fluctuate so much that I can be "up" 10 lbs. overnight. (yes, I know that I don't gain 10 lbs. of FAT overnight, but good grief...it's a total mind fuck to see those numbers some days). Oh, and sometimes I swell so much that my shoes don't fit.

I don't want to instinctively close my eyes or shift my gaze elsewhere when pass a reflective surface. I don't want to cringe every time I see a picture of me. I don't want to think "that picture looks great except for me".  I don't want to continually be the most overweight person in the room. All of those things remind me of how much I'm failing at the one thing I'm trying so hard to do.

I don't want the doctors to tell me "weight loss surgery is so great these days--you should try it" or "problems with your sex drive must have to do with your marriage--here's a number to a marriage therapist" (yes, this is true, despite the fact that I'd never mentioned specifics of my marriage--good or bad--to him {he is no longer my doctor, btw}),  or that "all your tests have come back a-ok, everything's normal and we have no idea what's going on with you". I don't want to be on experimental medications when even the doctor admits they have no idea if it's even right for me. Oh, and here's the bill for our "services". Rinse. Repeat.

I don't want to hear things like "maybe you need to eat more" or "maybe you need to eat less" or "maybe you shouldn't eat purple foods before noon" or "you shouldn't eat fruits and veggies in the same meal" or "you should take longer to eat" or "you should eat faster" or "you should give it to God" or "the stress you feel over it is attracting negativity--let it go" or "you should eat standing on your head chanting 'namaste'". Seriously?  No!

I eat healthily. I don't buy processed foods. I avoid artificial colors, MSG, nitrates/nitrates, artificial sweeteners and all that other junk as much as humanly possible. I eat organic foods as much as I can. I eat enough fiber, protein, "good" fats, etc. I can count on my fingers how many times I hit a drive-through or fast food joint in a year.

I work out nearly every day. A nice balance of cardio, strength training, core, pilates, yoga, stretching, etc. Currently I'm at about 45 minutes 5-6 days/week. I've done as much as running 20 miles/week or power walking 30+ miles/week. Nothing seems to make a difference.

I'm tired of feeling like people just view me as just another lazy-ass obese person. That poor fat girl that's in denial.

I just want to understand why these things are occurring and what I can do about it. Not with anecdotal advice, but something that will actually truly work for me.

I don't need to be thin to be happy. I know I'll never be truly thin. I just need to not continue to get larger and start feeling good. (IME, excess flab doesn't feel good. It's physically limiting.) I want to feel good. I deserve to feel good.

Most days I suppress all the above feelings by thinking of those that have it so much worse than I do. It helps most of the time. I try to throw the negative energy into "trying harder" energy. But there are days that sometimes it gets to me. Today is just one of those days.

This concludes my pity party. Thanks for coming. :/