Well that was underwhelming.

So if you have read my previous post about my health issues, you are in for a very mundane follow-up. My apologies in advance.

I followed up in early February with the endocrinologist I'd seen in September. Apparently health issues aren't really that important, as it took 4 1/2 months to get in to see her again. WTF?

The appointment really didn't do much for me...she basically shrugged her shoulders and said "well, we can try the Metformin even though all your tests have come back normal". Mmmkay. Well, let's do that. I have no other options beating down my door right now.

At the insistence of my parents, I decided to try getting an appointment with the world-renowned Mayo Clinic. I was surprised when I called to be offered an appointment the next week. Unfortunately, I wouldn't have had my medical records from other clinics in time, so I needed to schedule it 3 weeks out. I was amazed--a place like the Mayo Clinic can get me in so soon but the local Park Nicollet clinic takes 4 1/2 months?!

After making the appointment, I was sent a couple of packets of paperwork to fill out. I started feeling really hopeful about it--hoping that this would be my ticket to regaining good health. I was also fighting that little voice inside me that said that I would be dismissed and looked at as just another delusional fat girl again. I spent quite a bit of time beating that little prick down and listening to the hopeful voice.

In the paperwork included my fasting instructions. They said to eat my final meal the night before by 7pm. No fats whatsoever and only 3-4 ounces of lean chicken or fish. Fantastic. Also, only 8 ounces of water between midnight and 7:30 am and only sips of water until my appointment. I've fasted before for dr. appointments but this was by far the most strict. This actually made me hopeful--they really must have some amazing tests in store for me! Sweet!

I carefully ate my dry salmon and dry roasted vegetables and dry black beans for supper. I had a raging headache, so I also took an ibuprofen. I went to bed quite early as 1. if I'm sleeping, I can't think about being hungry or thirsty, 2. my head hurt and 3. I needed to get up at 5am the next morning. It takes about 2 hours to get to the Mayo, with the parking and taking the walkways and whatnot to the proper desk. My appointment was at a bright and early 8:30am.

After a night of dreaming about accidentally eating or drinking something and ruining the fast, morning came quickly. My mom and dad both took the day off of work to come with--they are familiar with the area and were happy to come down with me. We also took the kids. Nobody should have to wake children up at 5am unless you are going to Disney World (we did this a little over a month ago--even then it sucks).

A tired, hungry, thirsty, headache-y me got to where I needed to be and was called in for my appointment. The incredibly nice nurse took my weight (yuck), height (I'm still short) and my blood pressure (my never-high BP was high. WTF?). She then did a series of 6 arm-constricting bp tests to average them out and double check it. Fortunately, it was very much normal with the re-tests. *whew*

When she was done, the doctor came in. I think I heard angels when he walked through the door--this man was going to be my savior. He's a Mayo Clinic doctor, yo.

After about 20 minutes of chatting with him, I started to realize that this visit was going to be much like the others I've experienced. Except that I've gone through way more work, gas, time and inconvenienced 4 other family members in the process. Though he was nice and he spent nearly an hour and a half with me, I heard things like "your tests all appear normal" and "I don't know if your symptoms are related" and "calories in and calories out..." while my inner dialogue was "don't cry, don't cry, don't cry...".

So I was basically sent on my way, still hungry, thirsty, headache-y (all for naught since no tests were performed) with the decision of coming back another day to run and re-run expensive tests that are pretty much not going to tell me anything, or just heading back to my local doctors (I guess I can make an appointment for the fall) and to give the medication I'm on 6-12 months to see if it does anything for me. 6-12 months?! And while he wouldn't have personally prescribed that to me, it may help and since I'm already on it, just stay on it.

*sigh*

Give me the skinny.

2 weeks ago, the 54th annual Grammy awards were broadcast on TV. It's no secret that Adele dominated the awards this year. You may have also heard how fat she is. I've heard a few comments about how she has a gorgeous voice, but...she's overweight. 

*groan*

Now, most of you that are reading this think that is bullshit. Who cares about her weight, she is amazing, right? Or even if you don't really think she's all that, you may think people need to STFU about her weight, right?

Except...

The Academy Awards aired last night. I didn't watch, but I woke up to no less than 3 comments in my Facebook feed about how awful skinny Angelina Jolie looked. From women. Women who would be the first in line to fight anyone that commented on Adele's size or anyone else that was considered overweight. 

I've seen this type of thing for some time now here and there. Women that have deemed themselves "real" women because they aren't a size zero. The last time I checked, all women are real women. Not just plus sized women. Not just thin women. ALL women.

I wonder if they will ever realize how hypocritical that is.

Arrggghhhhpffffttttblahblahblah!

*Whew*

So, I really try not to complain. Honest. But fuck if I'm not throwing myself a great big (HUGE!) pity-party right now. Be aware: it's all about me. You are invited. Lucky you.

I'm putting this out here to get it off my chest and then hopefully I can move past it in a positive fashion.

I try every g*d-damned day to be healthy. Harder than a lot of  people do. But for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem to be working for me.

I don't want to have unexplained heart palpitations anymore. I don't want to be dizzy, foggy, achy, sluggish, and morbidly fucking obese. I don't want a nearly non-existent sex drive, hair in places women shouldn't have hair and be shivering one minute and sweating the next.  I don't want my weight to fluctuate so much that I can be "up" 10 lbs. overnight. (yes, I know that I don't gain 10 lbs. of FAT overnight, but good grief...it's a total mind fuck to see those numbers some days). Oh, and sometimes I swell so much that my shoes don't fit.

I don't want to instinctively close my eyes or shift my gaze elsewhere when pass a reflective surface. I don't want to cringe every time I see a picture of me. I don't want to think "that picture looks great except for me".  I don't want to continually be the most overweight person in the room. All of those things remind me of how much I'm failing at the one thing I'm trying so hard to do.

I don't want the doctors to tell me "weight loss surgery is so great these days--you should try it" or "problems with your sex drive must have to do with your marriage--here's a number to a marriage therapist" (yes, this is true, despite the fact that I'd never mentioned specifics of my marriage--good or bad--to him {he is no longer my doctor, btw}),  or that "all your tests have come back a-ok, everything's normal and we have no idea what's going on with you". I don't want to be on experimental medications when even the doctor admits they have no idea if it's even right for me. Oh, and here's the bill for our "services". Rinse. Repeat.

I don't want to hear things like "maybe you need to eat more" or "maybe you need to eat less" or "maybe you shouldn't eat purple foods before noon" or "you shouldn't eat fruits and veggies in the same meal" or "you should take longer to eat" or "you should eat faster" or "you should give it to God" or "the stress you feel over it is attracting negativity--let it go" or "you should eat standing on your head chanting 'namaste'". Seriously?  No!

I eat healthily. I don't buy processed foods. I avoid artificial colors, MSG, nitrates/nitrates, artificial sweeteners and all that other junk as much as humanly possible. I eat organic foods as much as I can. I eat enough fiber, protein, "good" fats, etc. I can count on my fingers how many times I hit a drive-through or fast food joint in a year.

I work out nearly every day. A nice balance of cardio, strength training, core, pilates, yoga, stretching, etc. Currently I'm at about 45 minutes 5-6 days/week. I've done as much as running 20 miles/week or power walking 30+ miles/week. Nothing seems to make a difference.

I'm tired of feeling like people just view me as just another lazy-ass obese person. That poor fat girl that's in denial.

I just want to understand why these things are occurring and what I can do about it. Not with anecdotal advice, but something that will actually truly work for me.

I don't need to be thin to be happy. I know I'll never be truly thin. I just need to not continue to get larger and start feeling good. (IME, excess flab doesn't feel good. It's physically limiting.) I want to feel good. I deserve to feel good.

Most days I suppress all the above feelings by thinking of those that have it so much worse than I do. It helps most of the time. I try to throw the negative energy into "trying harder" energy. But there are days that sometimes it gets to me. Today is just one of those days.

This concludes my pity party. Thanks for coming. :/

Dream Home

I grew up in a home that was always being remodeled. My parents liked to watch shows like "This Old House" and peruse local home improvement stores. I guess maybe it's in the genes. I, too, love house-related things. We moved into our first home when I was just 21 years old. At that point, it felt like I'd waited an eeeeternity to get my own home.

Our first home was a gorgeous 1929 1 1/2 story with original hardwood floors, oak built-ins with leaded glass and was solid as a rock. It was, coincidentally, just a block down from the home I grew up in. With the old-home charm came old-home issues. The furnace was ancient, there was no insulation in the walk-in attic. The 26 windows were all original and not very energy efficient. We didn't have air conditioning and it had the old knob-and-tube wiring.

Looking at it from a purely financial investment standpoint, we decided after only 2 years there to sell for a nice profit and buy one of those new houses up on the hill.

Oh, I was so excited at the prospect of buying a brand new shiny home. One that only we had lived in--no history, no issues. What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that you get a shiny new home, but you get a home that has no landscaping, no grass, no central air, no garage door opener, no deck, etc. etc. Also, our home looked just like pretty much 3/4 of the other homes in the neighborhood, just a different shade of "neutral".

We worked over the first few years to make that house comfortable--we put in central air, a garage door opener, grass, landscaping, built a deck, pergo floors to replace the builder-grade linoleum, finished the basement, a fence, patio and eventually new carpet. I was so very blessed to have a home and one that was so nice, but there was always this feeling in the back of my mind that this was a temporary stop for us. This wasn't our forever "dream" home.

After about 6 years in the house, we decided to start looking again. We weren't exactly sure what we were looking for, just that we were ready for something different. We looked at a lot of homes--going 20 miles south (more affordable) and looking at hobby farms mostly. What we ended up with was pretty much the opposite of what we had been looking at.

In the midst of our house shopping, my father-in-law announced he was retiring and selling his home. This is a home that he built himself in 1986 for his family. I knew that this house was well-built but cosmetically it seemed pretty run-down. The potential was there, though, and I was pretty excited about the whole idea. It's kind of neat to tell your kids that you live in the house their grandpa built. After almost of year of false starts, ups and downs and "negotiating", we sold our house and moved to this one.

It was difficult for me to move from a shiny newer home where everything was done into a home that needed a ton of work. It was even harder to realize that because we purchased a more expensive home, we wouldn't necessarily have the money to do the things we wanted to do to the house right away. In hindsight, I would have negotiated better and paid less for it so we'd have the money to put back into it, but what's done is done and I can't change that part of it.

I do like my house.We've done quite a bit to it--new windows, a kitchen update, painting every room. We also did some unexpected things like replacing the well pipes and pump, the pressure tank, some other unexpected plumbing stuff...but we still have so much more to do (I don't want a deck on the front of my house, damnit--I want it on the back!).

Because we bought at the height of the housing boom, we, like a majority of Americans, owe more on our home than we could sell it for right now. I don't necessarily regret moving here because if we hadn't, we would have been "stuck" in our last home. I prefer being stuck here than there, I guess, but I wrestle with intense wanderlust. I don't want to be stuck anywhere. I also wrestle with the fact that we don't live in our dream home. Does anyone really truly live in their dream home, though? Will I live a decent life despite that? I'm sure I will.

The mild-mannered English guy.

The Barefoot Foodie  shared this site yesterday and it made me LMAO. 'Cept I still have an plentiful ass, but you know what I mean.

http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/

Enjoy! :)

Wait. What?

I was "shopping" Craigslist this morning and clicked on an ad for a pickup truck. I love ads with lots of pictures--I want to see something before wasting my time going to look at it in person. I want to know that the pickup truck I buy is roomy enough to carry a kangaroo.  

Kangaroo not included. 

Oh hai. 

I might buy it just because of the commericals.

I love to laugh. I love stupid humor. It appeals to me. The other day, I came across this commercial online: 

Hilarious! It seems as if they have a whole bunch of other dumb humor commercials like it. A couple more of my favorites:

Which kind of reminds me of this in a really weird, unrelated way: